Hello how are you? Me, I’m going « so-so ». I feel like I’m living in a time loop where I get up, sit down at my desk to work, go to bed and we start over! Here (in the UK), we are in lockdown. I’m pretty Zen when it comes to my single status but with all this confinement that a noose tightens around me, that I have lost a precious year in my life. I immediately took my precautions by reducing my interactions as much as possible and to people I know.
Let’s do a review of my love life in 2020
My love situation has not changed since this article « 30 years old, single and childless, I’m an anomaly » Hmm, how can I tell you … the last time I was intimate with a man was in January of last year … since it is nothing. I had set myself the goal of doing more dates. First, I did not prioritize this task at all during the first trimester and then ben first confinement, then second confinement … At the beginning, I was so freaked out by the disease that I did not want contact with anyone. The few matches that ended up on the apps were about meeting face to face. For me, it was not conceivable. I told myself that we would be done with COVID in September 2020 and that I could get back in the bath. And then we spent the holidays confined with the bitter taste of canceled plans. An ex has resurfaced. I had forgotten its flaws haha! We saw each other once, he told me he wanted to try something serious. He’s a charmer and he made an effort on the first date. I immediately doubt then decide to give it a go. You never know. We talk again a second time by face call and there I remember why I had stopped everything. The guy is egotistical. Nah seriously, he can type three hour monologues on his own without drinking water. I know I will never have encouragement from him. I would never be treated the way I deserve. In short, the guy is stuck. In general, I block all the old sex shots to avoid making this kind of twist. Usually my decompression valves were girlfriends, parties, brunches, trips …. Anything that was forbidden to me. I passed these isolated confinements. It was harder than I thought. I’ve spent record hours on Amazon Prime, Instagram, and TikTok. I only saw my friends on special occasions so as not to take too many risks. My isolation was felt more because in my roommates I have two families and two couples. I’m the only single! Usually it is completely manageable. I have no jealousy because I believe that everyone has their own timing and especially the most perfect of apparently couples can hide toxic situations. But there, it put me a blow to morale. You have to be frank.
I put myself under this pressure to make dates because I am regularly confronted with direct or indirect judgments indicating that I am responsible for my celibacy. I think subconsciously it still works for me. I feel guilty when I am not actively researching. Until 2020, I followed the usual advice: go out more, go to dating apps, do salsa (in real life, it’s a passion. I don’t do it especially to meet someone but normally it is. is a good plan), meet up …. No, but wait, I don’t have speed dating yet! Maybe that’s the problem? ahah😆
I did all of this stuff but seriously I think a lot of men are afraid of black women. We have images of wild women (yes again in 2021), of venal and problematic women. In France, I had no problem meeting men via dating applications because, I say it and I assume it, the French have a lot more chat than the English regardless of the skin color. In truth, I think it is true for all the men of the south of Europe. Suddenly, my conversations do not often go beyond « Hi, how are you? … The weather is nice … How was your week ». Often I speak to myself and he adds little or nothing to the conversation. Maybe it’s because they match with me out of spite 🤷🏾♀️ but that’s really not my problem I won’t beg for quality conversation and attention. Boy bye. Not to mention, the racism of algorithms implemented in these applications. Clearly, women are considered the bottom of the basket. I sincerely think it’s the best way to meet someone in 2021 but it’s so time consuming for not even the equivalent of a tenth of the effort made. And then, from the moment you want to ask yourself the options become scarce because of the biased image that people get.
Confined and confident in 2021?
Being single can be a permanent status. It’s been a few years that I consider the fact that the meeting does not happen and that I end up alone all my life. I know that for many I would be worth nothing because I will not be married and I will probably not have children but whatever. I like my company. I am independent. I have a roof under my head. I eat three meals a day. There is worse situation. A comedian said: being in a relationship is solving problems that we would never have alone! « Ahah I just need relief from time to time. It’s for all ages. There is a market for all groups My state of mind is basically: If I end my life on my own, it’s okay.
Experts are starting to agree that the pandemic will surely continue to affect our lives until the end of 2021. One thing is certain I do not want to reproduce the year 2020. Dating apps are running at full speed and a lot of people meet people. Who knows I could meet in the midst of chaos? COVID doesn’t scare me so much anymore: with or without a vaccine. I continue my vitamin cures to boost my immune system. I think we’re all going to have it. Suddenly, I offered my matches ballads to get to know them outside of the applications and get a better idea. Maybe they just suck at messages. 🤷🏾♀️ Well if you read the previous paragraph, you must tell yourself the girl is inconsistent! The thing is, since I accept the idea of ending my life alone, my standards are not going to change in dating. I think we still regret having reduced its requirements. The flaws that we decide to forget end up resurfacing.
I no longer want to feel like my life has come to a standstill as time goes by. Realizing that I will not find a « normal » life before I turn 37 has hurt my morale. I accept to grow old but I want to live my life fully according to my rules and my desires. This year, I will resume more creative activities in photography but also in writing to 1) spend less time on networks 2) do more productive things 3) control my stress. I started walking again which helps me to dwell a lot less. Maybe I would recover from online Zumba class, right now I’m lazy. I cook again because yes it takes time, but it’s also a « ME » time that relaxes me. Holding this year will be based on habits and a routine that will help me take a step back and play down the situation as much as possible to continue to survive until the end of the epidemic. This will make me more mentally available to go on dating apps.
If you feel stuck in a life or a circumstance that you dislike, remember that all scenarios are possible until your last breath! I will end my monologue here. I wish you a happy Monday!